TELL ME...

writing has always been a therapy...everything that im feeling i would be able to pour out... i have been wanting to write for such a long time but it just hurts too much that i cant put into words what it is i am feeling or how much i am hurting... all i ever wanted is to be happy and to be loved...and all i ever wanted is the best for you... but i guess going against all odds doesnt mean we will have our happy ending.. doesnt it suck that we went through so much in such a short time and gave up on the love that i though would carry us through... so many things has been said and done there is this one question in my mind that i just cant let go and would just like to ask was you...tell me...where did i go wrong? was my love too much that it suffocated you? that i put you first above all things that i lost along the way the girl that you loved... i used to feel your heart..i still feel your heart...and it scares me whenever i cant... i used to know how to love you or to make you laugh..or make sense to you...now i fell like im talking to someone who doesnt want to feel anymore...who is so lost and so detached that i cant reach..i dont know how to reach you... i dont want to lose you...i just want to continue loving you and taking care of you and making laugh...but i dont know if that is what you want...i feel like when you are with me i just make you miserable or i remind you of alot of things...all the bad things... so i guess being together even if we love each other is not enough...the bad things didnt make us stronger...it broke us apart...and i also cant stand the thought that even if we are together and that you love me...i dont know how to love you...and that i cant make you happy...

crucifixion and resurrection

I asked a question to a friend and the question goes like this: How do you deal with yourself knowing all the things that you are...your evilness and your goodness? He answered me with 3 simple words...FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. and i said Faith that? Hope for? Love? Love ruins...and he replied saying that believing that all the things happening now are just passing...even who you are will change and HOPEFULLY for the better...LOVE yourself...

and then i said that i have hurt so many people...people that i love, people that i never thought i would hurt this way...and i dont know how to face them and i think they also dont know how to face me....and he replied back...WITH LOVE..its like family you know...when you have a child and you think he is the greatest and the most amazing person, the moment he is not at par with your expectations, you push them away and send them out? NO! You go deep with them. Saying that you fail, i fail and lets go through this together, and that's a word that we usually use in the community, ACCOUNTABILITY...

i dont know where to go from that conversation...i dont even have the words to be able to explain why i was able to do what i did...all i know is that im praying for forgiveness...for mercy...for love...that they may still see the me that is good and sorry in all my sinfulness and wrongness....