AGAIN

i am once again consumed by you...thoughts of you, dreams with you but never a future with you...

why do you have to let me know the things that you are going through and feeling? God i was so proud already that i was able to walk away, scar free and scandal free but why wouldnt you let me? or should the question be why cant i stand firm on the decision that i already made...answer to that is so apparent...because i feel something for you..its definitely not love yet! but its an attraction that is so strong that its fatal...i know what i should and need to do but im finding it harder this time thats why i really want to kick myself so much...someone told me that i should stand by what is right and i agree, it just sucks that what is right is so hard to do...

i guess i just miss the closeness of what two people share in a relationship...the sweet nothing whispers, the tight hugs after a long day, or just holding each other hands that seems to reassure me that everything will be alright... but only on stolen moments...is that what i want for me? is that what i deserve? dont i value myself more in the sense that i should be given more...i should learn how to ask for more with regards to love because we all deserve more...

i know i will always care for him...i will always look at him in the way that i am looking at him now but he is not mine to keep...and praying to God and actually pleading Him to give me the strength to save myself from all this. I know He will..i know that he is giving me the grace to be able to i am just being stubborn again but I am hearing you Papa God...I am hearing you well...