TELL ME...

writing has always been a therapy...everything that im feeling i would be able to pour out... i have been wanting to write for such a long time but it just hurts too much that i cant put into words what it is i am feeling or how much i am hurting... all i ever wanted is to be happy and to be loved...and all i ever wanted is the best for you... but i guess going against all odds doesnt mean we will have our happy ending.. doesnt it suck that we went through so much in such a short time and gave up on the love that i though would carry us through... so many things has been said and done there is this one question in my mind that i just cant let go and would just like to ask was you...tell me...where did i go wrong? was my love too much that it suffocated you? that i put you first above all things that i lost along the way the girl that you loved... i used to feel your heart..i still feel your heart...and it scares me whenever i cant... i used to know how to love you or to make you laugh..or make sense to you...now i fell like im talking to someone who doesnt want to feel anymore...who is so lost and so detached that i cant reach..i dont know how to reach you... i dont want to lose you...i just want to continue loving you and taking care of you and making laugh...but i dont know if that is what you want...i feel like when you are with me i just make you miserable or i remind you of alot of things...all the bad things... so i guess being together even if we love each other is not enough...the bad things didnt make us stronger...it broke us apart...and i also cant stand the thought that even if we are together and that you love me...i dont know how to love you...and that i cant make you happy...

crucifixion and resurrection

I asked a question to a friend and the question goes like this: How do you deal with yourself knowing all the things that you are...your evilness and your goodness? He answered me with 3 simple words...FAITH, HOPE and LOVE. and i said Faith that? Hope for? Love? Love ruins...and he replied saying that believing that all the things happening now are just passing...even who you are will change and HOPEFULLY for the better...LOVE yourself...

and then i said that i have hurt so many people...people that i love, people that i never thought i would hurt this way...and i dont know how to face them and i think they also dont know how to face me....and he replied back...WITH LOVE..its like family you know...when you have a child and you think he is the greatest and the most amazing person, the moment he is not at par with your expectations, you push them away and send them out? NO! You go deep with them. Saying that you fail, i fail and lets go through this together, and that's a word that we usually use in the community, ACCOUNTABILITY...

i dont know where to go from that conversation...i dont even have the words to be able to explain why i was able to do what i did...all i know is that im praying for forgiveness...for mercy...for love...that they may still see the me that is good and sorry in all my sinfulness and wrongness....

COOL CHANGE

Why does the New Year always brings change to me...not just simple ones but earth shaking ones that really tests my heart, my will and my faith.

Just last year i was also on the verge of a major change in career, which i did again before the year ends...don't get me wrong i am grateful and always thankful for all the good things that are happening, sometimes it makes me even question my worthiness of it...but i just keep in my head what EJ and Roxy would always affirm to me, that i am exactly where im meant to be and i deserve to be here.

Change is constant, whether by choice or by circumstance...i have made a lot of choices this year for me...you can say i have been selfish...i wanted to be able to do what i wanted to do...travel, go for the job that i like even if its low paying, move out, love....i did all that this year and though some didn't work out because it wasn't meant to be in the first place, some did...and id rather focus on that....HAPPINESS and BEING HAPPY no matter what circumstance you are in is always our choice...so NO MATTER WHAT, EVEN IF MY HEART IS ACHING, I WILL BE HAPPY....

THIS IS STILL ME....

I went back to my old FB wherein there is so much ugly memories in it that is why i have to close it but i have written some stuff about myself that i would like to post here because funny that even though it was written 2 years back...how i see and feel things are still the same but in the love category wise...we are not together anymore...

I have noticed how friends are very open about their thoughts and its weird that i do write but i am very apprehensive about people reading my thoughts, knowing my pains, though its nice to share whatever triumphs or joy i have...
I have lost touch with people, and connected with some i guess this is my way of introducing myself again at the same time saying im back to writing...

This will be weird, but i did this once in my other blog 2 years ago and will do it again because this is me NOW....

MY CHILDHOOD AMBITION

I really wanted to become a medical doctor because of my lolo fred who served as one of the medical aide during WWII, and as a child he would always tell us stories of what he has been through then and to think at that time what he was telling me is written in my history book.

BEST TRAIT

A child at heart

WORST TRAIT

I am stubborn.

PEOPLE WOULD BE SURPRISED TO KNOW THAT

By profession I am a Dentist, but is now into the world of advertising, marketing, PR and telecommunication.

I VALUE MOST IN MY FRIENDS

Their ability to laugh at me and my stupid mistakes which actually doesn't mean that what i did was okay but they always makes me feel it will be okay one day...

CRAZIEST THING I'VE DONE

Skinny dipping with 2 guys i just met for only a couple of days back in college and sooner than later one of the guys became a boyfriend and that relationship lasted for almost 7 years.

MY PERFECT DAY

i have lots in mind...like just me at home curling up with a good book...or at the breakfast table at home having an easy talk with my mom and auntie nene...or being with my aunties and uncles and cousins and their kids and its just basically chaotic...or at the beach with somebody i am really passionate about...

IM STILL WORKING ON...

Oh no my uncles and aunts sa SD will probably kill me about this hehehehe...stopping smoking..i have cut down my butts quite significantly down to 3 or 4 sticks and there are already days that i don't even think about it.


MY BOOKS REPRESENTS

How mababaw i am and at the same time how deep i can be...


MY FAVORITE MATERIAL POSSESSION

My mobile phone, it connects me to you, simple as that.


FAVORITE PLACE TO VISIT

Now its all about home, legazpi and nabua, where my roots are.


IF I COULD CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT THE WORLD..

this is quite hard, pang ms. universe question...i guess more than anything i have a prayer that each one of us can be more forgiving, to never give up on hope and miracles and love, specially on love and that all of us must realize that we all can make a difference even for somebody who is just right in front of us now.

PEOPLE I CANT FORGET OR SOFTENS MY HEART

My dad, for always...i don't think i will ever get over the fact that he is forever gone in my life. and of course my mom and my brothers and my baba, mga winner yan pirmi.

PEOPLE WHO INSPIRED ME

My parents who was, is the wind beneath my wings, all of my family - from them i have learned that love and friendship and laughter surpasses generations, HOJ - as ive said, this is where i have learned the meaning of " paying it forward" , DC Sisters and Fr. Ed - they have instilled in me my faith to our creator as well as my faith to myself and to others, LAH - for the greatest love that i have ever known in my lifetime, Toi,Yobz & King - the men in my life, Baby Ram - for dreams, big dreams of having one like you.


DO I HAVE REGRETS?

Of course I have lots...the only thing i guess is that in each and every regret that i have, i have learned to look at the blessing it brings after..

MY LIFE'S MOTTO

take second chances with both hands, if it changes your life, let it...
kiss slowly...forgive easily...
love like there is no tomorrow

For Better Or Worse

so i am choosing you, i am choosing us, even if there is no us in the eyes of a lot of people....for better or worse i am choosing this...whatever this may bring me. i have always believed in fighting for the things that makes you happy and as long as i know that you are there and you make me feel that you need me, i will always choose you...ill be damned now if i let this go....

this will not be easy...darn it...ill definitely will always question myself why i am choosing this but at the end i dont think no one will understand what i have found in you...and yes maybe i owe people some explanation but i have nothing to say..i dont even have an excuse....all i know is that i cant stop...i dont want to stop...that i love you...and you love me..thats all that matters to me...the rest i will face and cross when i get there...

call me a bitch, call me the other woman, call me whatever you want to call me...so be it...for you, this is for better or worse...

same shit, different day

i am still in the same shit with you...going through different days...
and its getting harder and harder to untangle myself in this cobweb...
i hate it that i am such a lying bitch in front of everyone about you or about how i feel for you
i hate it that i am hurting now...
its so hard giving up what i have with you now even if its just bits and pieces...
i hate it that you worry about me because it endears you more to me..
all of me hopes that its me that you will choose in the end but God there is no way that is going to happen...

lord...is this a test again? your letting me give up the things that makes me run this days...
you are making me give up the things that makes me happy and that is the community...
i dont understand...
i dont know how i would be able to explain, or to justify what i needed to do and what i must do to the community...
but i also cannot be the hypocrite that i am right now about this love...
arghhhhhhh!

Dear YOU

If i were to write you a love letter..i think it would go like this...

im scared...im scared of how much i am loving you already and how much i am needing you...i am scared na you always light up my face when you walk in the room...im happy knowing your there...near though far...it scared me that i always chose you over someone that i can call mine...

it hurts when you make plans and its not with me...it even hurts more when you say sorry because i know you didnt mean to hurt me...

you often ask me why i love you...i dont know eh..i simply just do...i may not know all that you are, and all that you are not, but it doesnt seem to matter, all i know is that i want to make you happy and protect you from all the things that could hurt you...

kaya i have to stop..i have to stop loving you...and worrying about you and thinking about you...because its not right for me to love you this way or this much...

this is sooo hard you know why...because im also stopping the happiness i found in you...i will miss you so much...i will miss so much the pieces and scraps of heaven i found with you...

i just need a favor though help me forget you...you are my weakness...i can stand firm on a lot of things about my decisions in my life..but when it comes to you, i always crumble and give in...

i have a lot of regrets in my life...falling for you, loving you even if it was wrong will not be one of them...

thank you...thank you so much for making me happy, for caring for me in the way that you know how...i hope i was able to show you how much i care as well...

i remain a friend. i love you.