i never wanted you to be a part of my life after what happened to us...after parting ways...i just felt that, though i may not be the girlfriend that you wanted me to be or needed, i didnt deserve what you did...but as we all know time heals all wounds and whatever anger i had also dissolved with time...
friendship came slowly, i wasnt really that keen at the same time it was hard for me to be chummy-chummy, but i guess a good talk was all that we needed...what happened last Saturday was quite surprising, i was glad i opened up to you and in the process you were able to show me again the you that i have loved then...without your walls as well and all of a sudden i missed you... i remember how we would walk for hours while talking and getting to know each other...the grilling that you went through from the people who loves me and from my family...i remember all the things that you wanted for us...simple things...
who knows where this will lead us...maybe to a much more deeper kind of friendship...the kind that we can share for a lifetime...and maybe find our way back to love...who knows...if Papa God allows us to be together again then we will...
Monday, June 13, 2011
Friday, June 10, 2011
some good things have to end - sometimes...
i have been staring at the blank sheet for almost 15 minutes thinking where to start and how do i define and describe you…this is hard maybe because i have so much memory of you that i cant pick out just one to tell a story…
i sometimes look at the ring you once gave when we were full of hopes and dreams and the world was our stage…would sometimes wear it and it still fits perfectly, but everything else that it symbolizes is lost. but as i often said i am your past and someone else holds our future now…we both have made our choices and is standing by it. we have come so far from that girl and boy who once met under the moonlight.
i have always told you that you were very constant in my life up until last year…its funny how twisted our story got and how tangled it seems then and yet we always try to end well or be in good terms because we had something good that ended tragically on first part and i can clearly remember how furious you were with me by not standing by what we promised each other then but because you loved me and wanted the best for me you let me be without even asking why or what happened or why the change of heart…until the time that i was able to sum up the courage to find you once again and maybe try to explain what happened and maybe work things out…i did find you, all smiling and happy to see me but all i can feel then was how changed we were…i am not the same girl anymore and i know you felt that too… our history always brings us back together then, but in reality i think it was what separated us in the end. we had too much memories and caused each other too much pain to be able to really come out of all of it unscathed or alive…
and as we have moved on to the new chapters of our lives i cant help but be sad, i even remembered pausing for a while when it all came rushing to me…when reality bites, i wanted to curl up and cry for all that we have lost, but then i also want to celebrate the persons that we have become out of the history that we have…i cant help but thank you for preparing me well for now…
good things have to end…sometimes, not because it has gotten ugly but because its just simply the end. when something begins we generally have no idea how it will end. we will not know, there is no guarantee at all, but what we can really do is to move forward, risk that the love that we have in our separate lives will not fail us again…
i sometimes look at the ring you once gave when we were full of hopes and dreams and the world was our stage…would sometimes wear it and it still fits perfectly, but everything else that it symbolizes is lost. but as i often said i am your past and someone else holds our future now…we both have made our choices and is standing by it. we have come so far from that girl and boy who once met under the moonlight.
i have always told you that you were very constant in my life up until last year…its funny how twisted our story got and how tangled it seems then and yet we always try to end well or be in good terms because we had something good that ended tragically on first part and i can clearly remember how furious you were with me by not standing by what we promised each other then but because you loved me and wanted the best for me you let me be without even asking why or what happened or why the change of heart…until the time that i was able to sum up the courage to find you once again and maybe try to explain what happened and maybe work things out…i did find you, all smiling and happy to see me but all i can feel then was how changed we were…i am not the same girl anymore and i know you felt that too… our history always brings us back together then, but in reality i think it was what separated us in the end. we had too much memories and caused each other too much pain to be able to really come out of all of it unscathed or alive…
and as we have moved on to the new chapters of our lives i cant help but be sad, i even remembered pausing for a while when it all came rushing to me…when reality bites, i wanted to curl up and cry for all that we have lost, but then i also want to celebrate the persons that we have become out of the history that we have…i cant help but thank you for preparing me well for now…
good things have to end…sometimes, not because it has gotten ugly but because its just simply the end. when something begins we generally have no idea how it will end. we will not know, there is no guarantee at all, but what we can really do is to move forward, risk that the love that we have in our separate lives will not fail us again…
An Ode To A Fallen Star
written: February 1, 2011
After a month or so I still miss the usual good mornings from everyone...as well as the smell of the coffee brewing on the second floor,that's how my day starts as Mar Com handling the image of the brand and all its communications and media per se. I remember how my relationship with Star-Cell started way back when i was still working for Red Dot and we were chosen to be one of its agency to handle its commercial launch to the Cambodian market. Thus my love affair with this brand started on my 27th birthday :)
Star-Cell was my first biggest account second to VISA International, i was still then a rookie to the advertising world, i am still learning its twists and turns and by God! I fucked up a lot of times! Thank God i have a boss who doesn't let you pay when you need to redo an entire printing production or there’s a misspelled word in a finished product brochure, or messing up an entire campaign budget! You get scolded and really scrubbed from top to bottom but they make sure that we all should learn form that mistake…I went through a lot of like that with Star-Cell, a lot of late nights going home, a lot of pressure from the client as well as a lot of late night calls just to tell you that they changed their mind about something in the plan etc!!! Due to that, it made me closer to the brand and love it more...actually more than the relationship i had then…which caused it to fail in the end, because the only relationship i am having then was with my job.
Aside from the brand, i also have this some kind of "high school crush" with the then head of marketing which makes things a lot of interesting but at the same time difficult.You cant involve feelings in the line of work because it can sidetrack you and at the same time it really messes up your business decisions which i have to admit did, so my boss then really talked to me and pointed this things out. After that said talk i really tried to be as professional as I can be and really separate my personal and my professional life. It was hard! He was really cute! hahahaha still is ... there might even be a chance that he would read this but that was a long time ago...:)) anyways setting that aside, the brand and the company itself was going through its own changes thus the JV between TeliaSonera and Visor happened October of 2008
The change was felt right away…a very popular promo was terminated when 2009 came…we were not sure if we are still their agency and the then CEO stepped down. And in that fateful night of February i got the offer of a lifetime that excited me but at the same time scared me. I was excited because i was burned out with the agency work, im getting tired of it all, the passion that i once felt for it was slowly fading…scared because i know in my heart im going for it and ill be out there on my own…Red Dot was a safe haven for me, im comfortable there, and i love the people that i work with, they have become my friends and my family as well...they are one of the reasons why i stayed that long…but like all things, deciding didn't come easily…everything was formalized more than a month after and i barely have time to say goodbye to old colleagues before i find myself saying hello to not so new ones because i am a familiar face in that building, the only difference now is, i am a part of them completely.
My honeymoon with Star-Cell as its Marketing Communications and Media Manager was short lived…It was really hard the toughest if i may say…I was going through something personal at the same time being overwhelmed by this electrifying, exciting and yet terrifying new world….my first 3 months was countless late nights just to be able to keep up..i was like a sponge absorbing everything anyone would teach me, from Technical to IT, to CURE to Roaming, to Warehouse to Finance, everything! and slowly i found my footing, started to find my voice as well in a crowd of men whom i admire for their brilliance in their respective fields and how unselfish they were in sharing what they know…
Mistakes, failures, disappointing and disappointments i have many in my work. I am quite surprised that i still have my job then with the countless that i did hahahaha i give credit to a boss who is very considerate but an ass at times hahahaha but an ally at all times… our relationship is that of partners. the others downfall is both our downfall… i also have colleagues that works hard but mind you knows how to play just as hard and i learned that from them...that life is not just all about work and reports and budgets... that i can stop and breathe if i want to.... we all have come a long way in regards to growth as individuals and as a team in the marketing department. we have weathered a lot of storms together and i’m glad that the motivation to strive harder and to grow better in our respective fields is still there despite and inspite of...and saying goodbye was the hardest...we all know that we will part ways one day but we weren't expecting it to be that soon...but like what i was told that's how it is...and that we just have to move on and wish each other the best...
i miss that building...i miss running up and down those stairs on heels...i miss gossiping via skype hihihi...i miss being greeted with the smile of the sales team guys or the drivers downstairs...i miss walking through that white and blue halls when i need to think...the moment i came home and all i have with this bag full of scraps and folders of all sorts, after settling everything i felt like i had parents that had gotten divorced and my family name i couldn't carry anymore...i felt like a kid from a broken family and that there is no way that we can ever be whole again…i have been grieving for quite sometime...there was even a time of denial...still hoping for the best for everyone but was always told to expect the worst...i don't know if we all got what we deserve...all i know is that we all wish we can all go back to that building and to that family....
I am faithful in so many ways…I know that i can never love another brand as much as i have loved Star-Cell…i have seen it evolve into so many things and in so many ways until i see no longer....but every time i see a former colleague or someone telling a story about what we used to be, i cant help but smile because it made me realize that we all have the company and the brand in our hearts and that's where it will live from now on....
After a month or so I still miss the usual good mornings from everyone...as well as the smell of the coffee brewing on the second floor,that's how my day starts as Mar Com handling the image of the brand and all its communications and media per se. I remember how my relationship with Star-Cell started way back when i was still working for Red Dot and we were chosen to be one of its agency to handle its commercial launch to the Cambodian market. Thus my love affair with this brand started on my 27th birthday :)
Star-Cell was my first biggest account second to VISA International, i was still then a rookie to the advertising world, i am still learning its twists and turns and by God! I fucked up a lot of times! Thank God i have a boss who doesn't let you pay when you need to redo an entire printing production or there’s a misspelled word in a finished product brochure, or messing up an entire campaign budget! You get scolded and really scrubbed from top to bottom but they make sure that we all should learn form that mistake…I went through a lot of like that with Star-Cell, a lot of late nights going home, a lot of pressure from the client as well as a lot of late night calls just to tell you that they changed their mind about something in the plan etc!!! Due to that, it made me closer to the brand and love it more...actually more than the relationship i had then…which caused it to fail in the end, because the only relationship i am having then was with my job.
Aside from the brand, i also have this some kind of "high school crush" with the then head of marketing which makes things a lot of interesting but at the same time difficult.You cant involve feelings in the line of work because it can sidetrack you and at the same time it really messes up your business decisions which i have to admit did, so my boss then really talked to me and pointed this things out. After that said talk i really tried to be as professional as I can be and really separate my personal and my professional life. It was hard! He was really cute! hahahaha still is ... there might even be a chance that he would read this but that was a long time ago...:)) anyways setting that aside, the brand and the company itself was going through its own changes thus the JV between TeliaSonera and Visor happened October of 2008
The change was felt right away…a very popular promo was terminated when 2009 came…we were not sure if we are still their agency and the then CEO stepped down. And in that fateful night of February i got the offer of a lifetime that excited me but at the same time scared me. I was excited because i was burned out with the agency work, im getting tired of it all, the passion that i once felt for it was slowly fading…scared because i know in my heart im going for it and ill be out there on my own…Red Dot was a safe haven for me, im comfortable there, and i love the people that i work with, they have become my friends and my family as well...they are one of the reasons why i stayed that long…but like all things, deciding didn't come easily…everything was formalized more than a month after and i barely have time to say goodbye to old colleagues before i find myself saying hello to not so new ones because i am a familiar face in that building, the only difference now is, i am a part of them completely.
My honeymoon with Star-Cell as its Marketing Communications and Media Manager was short lived…It was really hard the toughest if i may say…I was going through something personal at the same time being overwhelmed by this electrifying, exciting and yet terrifying new world….my first 3 months was countless late nights just to be able to keep up..i was like a sponge absorbing everything anyone would teach me, from Technical to IT, to CURE to Roaming, to Warehouse to Finance, everything! and slowly i found my footing, started to find my voice as well in a crowd of men whom i admire for their brilliance in their respective fields and how unselfish they were in sharing what they know…
Mistakes, failures, disappointing and disappointments i have many in my work. I am quite surprised that i still have my job then with the countless that i did hahahaha i give credit to a boss who is very considerate but an ass at times hahahaha but an ally at all times… our relationship is that of partners. the others downfall is both our downfall… i also have colleagues that works hard but mind you knows how to play just as hard and i learned that from them...that life is not just all about work and reports and budgets... that i can stop and breathe if i want to.... we all have come a long way in regards to growth as individuals and as a team in the marketing department. we have weathered a lot of storms together and i’m glad that the motivation to strive harder and to grow better in our respective fields is still there despite and inspite of...and saying goodbye was the hardest...we all know that we will part ways one day but we weren't expecting it to be that soon...but like what i was told that's how it is...and that we just have to move on and wish each other the best...
i miss that building...i miss running up and down those stairs on heels...i miss gossiping via skype hihihi...i miss being greeted with the smile of the sales team guys or the drivers downstairs...i miss walking through that white and blue halls when i need to think...the moment i came home and all i have with this bag full of scraps and folders of all sorts, after settling everything i felt like i had parents that had gotten divorced and my family name i couldn't carry anymore...i felt like a kid from a broken family and that there is no way that we can ever be whole again…i have been grieving for quite sometime...there was even a time of denial...still hoping for the best for everyone but was always told to expect the worst...i don't know if we all got what we deserve...all i know is that we all wish we can all go back to that building and to that family....
I am faithful in so many ways…I know that i can never love another brand as much as i have loved Star-Cell…i have seen it evolve into so many things and in so many ways until i see no longer....but every time i see a former colleague or someone telling a story about what we used to be, i cant help but smile because it made me realize that we all have the company and the brand in our hearts and that's where it will live from now on....
Point Of Insanity
i gave up...i said i will try not to think about you...or read our conversations or look at your pics...i need you...you still bring a certain calm in me...i cried so hard this morning when i woke up because my phone was ringing and it was your voice calling me daba ko...it has been silent for the past days just so i wouldn't break into tears whenever it rings...i miss you so much...i want to give up...walk away...not to care anymore because its so hard...i don't know how to find my way back...i am traveling again to turkey on the first week next month and no matter how i try to be excited about it...i cant...because you will not be with me...i wanted so much to write you and beg you not to leave me, ill agree on anything or any condition as long as i know you are there, i still want to go and see you and talk to you but i am so scared that you will not show up...but as ate tin put it your not suppose to beg for love because it is freely given...i find comfort in the thought that you are okay and that you love me...and my heart feels you..i feel you calling out to me...God i think im going crazy but i do...and i would suddenly whisper your name and say its okay baba..im here...i love you...i hope you can hear my heart calling out to you as well and letting you know how much i love you...tomorrow's another day...i dont know how tomorrow will find me...
Pokerface
it means " not showing your feelings or your thoughts or your emotions via your facial expression" I seem to be perfecting this kind of face these days...One look at me i look fine...as if everything in my world is just right...they dont know that i have died inside without you...how do you do it? i want to know...i'm trying so goddamn hard to be okay, to try to live, have a life...but no matter what i do or say you are my life...my family and friends are quite divided on their opinions...some are saying that we have already told you that this will happen...mommy said to give you time, for me to be patient and work is a good distraction...some say to just move forward...ta yhen said this break-up is nothing new.. hehehehe, i seem to be agreeing with all of them...i tried to focus on work but its so hard, i tried to look forward to going home but i cant find the excitement anymore knowing that you wont be there....i sleep so early this days just so i wouldnt go crazy thinking about you and wondering if you are okay...i cant stand looking at your pics or read your previous mails cause i suddenly find myself crying because i miss you so much...i let myself go when i write because as you usually put it, this is my love letter to you...here i can tell you with so much freedom how much i love you and how much i am willing to endure and wait for you...i pray everyday for you that you are okay...and that you are smiling...i pray that you know how much i love you and that i am here...once the pages of this blog is closed...i am once again pokerfaced
Lost In Translation
I just had one of the most crazy day at the office. To start it off the morning wasnt really good, I was feeling lonely and sad. But then again the optimist that I am will always try not to dampen my spirit or my day with whatever darkness I am feeling. And then from one meeting to another from which I was trying to be calm and just take it all in because i dont want to argue or not in the mood to defend myself, but something snapped and i really couldnt take it anymore and just walked out of the room. I dont care if i was rude, i also have no respect for people who cant take responsibility.I cant find my focus and balance at work these days. I cant find my heart into it which is so not me...maybe a part of me is disheartened but how things are and how things went, at the same time i am having this separation anxiety with the agency that we have gotten divorced recently hehehe and not really looking forward to the new agency...i guess i am a loyalist thats why, once you captured my heart its yours forever, and thats how i feel about them, aside from the fact that i have made great friends and i know that we will definitely remain as friends, but change is inevitable and there would be changes. I'll miss joking with kaing and ill miss his smile and ill never forget how i usually piss him off if i call so early in the morning on a saturday talking about work, my dear soesoe,the mark that you left in me is how quaint you are when we talk, and how honest you are as well with your opinions and i find that very brave,i am just getting to know more about you these last month and im glad we had this month, frick, you, i will most miss, i dont even want to talk to you just so i could start not getting use to you, thank you for all the knowledge imparted and the friendship that i didnt expect, i found a kuya/ate in you hahahaha oh gosh you will kill me if you read this hahaha...But just like the world keeps turning, life must also move...Star-Cell, the one that i have come to know and loved and cherished with you guys will never be the same....
L.A.H. Chapter III
In loving you I was able to write freely about love…I have never been more honest about how I feel or what I am feeling…When you decided to let go…this were my words..
i woke up this morning with a start…wondering why i feel so weird and then it hit me, the conversations of last night flooded back and all i want to do is curl up again…hide under the sheets…block out the morning…block out the pain…i stood up fighting the numbness…urging myself to go on, i cant, i went back to bed again and just lay there staring at the ceiling, until i heard noises outside…stood up again and went out of the room…i tried to make idle talk but i cant make any sense in the conversation, eating was such a chore..i cant even take pleasure in my coffee…i was moving in auto pilot…going through routine but not feeling anything…i see no beauty this morning…everything is so dark…im trying to be brave..to be okay when actually all i want to do is to tell you not to go…that i dont know how to do things without you…i didnt stop you then because i understand and i agree, i dont want to cause much confusion anymore, it pains me that you are having a hard time…im still trying to understand and put some sense in all of this but one thing i know and i am certain this not gonna stop me from continuing to love you…And then I found myself not wanting to let you go… No matter how much I want to do what is right, what I fekt with you and what I had and I thought I could have is worth all the damnation ill be facing…I was listening to this song over and over again that even when it's not playing its still in my head. I love this group ever since and I usually agree or never question their songs, I would just enjoy it or feel it. But I can't take this song sitting down. I have been thinking how sad it is that we let people go out of our lives so easily thinking that maybe it would be less difficult or less hurtful, but no matter, if that person is important and has made an impact in your life they will stay no matter what. We can only fool ourselves for sometime but it's hard keeping up with a lie. I can always pretend and show how okay I am to everyone everyday, say the right words, look perfectly fine, even laugh to my hearts content…but my God deep down I'm dying…dying without you. I thought and I have decided that I will keep silent, that I will let you be, to forget about this, to move on…I CAN'T and I don’t want to. Every fiber of my being is shouting for you. I can never deny that. You have actually given me the easy way out, but I don’t want the easy out, I want craziness with you, I want scary stuff with you, I want bad times with you, I want laughter and joy and so much love with you…That’s what I want….
i love him. i dont know anything else. there maybe a lot of confusion or a lot of i dont knows, i love him, thats the only thing i am sure and i know of. there are a lot of things happening, a lot of changes, a lot joys also, and pains but in each of those moments, he is with me, in every smile, in every hug that i give, in every laughter, in every tear, he is there…
written: April, 2009
i woke up this morning with a start…wondering why i feel so weird and then it hit me, the conversations of last night flooded back and all i want to do is curl up again…hide under the sheets…block out the morning…block out the pain…i stood up fighting the numbness…urging myself to go on, i cant, i went back to bed again and just lay there staring at the ceiling, until i heard noises outside…stood up again and went out of the room…i tried to make idle talk but i cant make any sense in the conversation, eating was such a chore..i cant even take pleasure in my coffee…i was moving in auto pilot…going through routine but not feeling anything…i see no beauty this morning…everything is so dark…im trying to be brave..to be okay when actually all i want to do is to tell you not to go…that i dont know how to do things without you…i didnt stop you then because i understand and i agree, i dont want to cause much confusion anymore, it pains me that you are having a hard time…im still trying to understand and put some sense in all of this but one thing i know and i am certain this not gonna stop me from continuing to love you…And then I found myself not wanting to let you go… No matter how much I want to do what is right, what I fekt with you and what I had and I thought I could have is worth all the damnation ill be facing…I was listening to this song over and over again that even when it's not playing its still in my head. I love this group ever since and I usually agree or never question their songs, I would just enjoy it or feel it. But I can't take this song sitting down. I have been thinking how sad it is that we let people go out of our lives so easily thinking that maybe it would be less difficult or less hurtful, but no matter, if that person is important and has made an impact in your life they will stay no matter what. We can only fool ourselves for sometime but it's hard keeping up with a lie. I can always pretend and show how okay I am to everyone everyday, say the right words, look perfectly fine, even laugh to my hearts content…but my God deep down I'm dying…dying without you. I thought and I have decided that I will keep silent, that I will let you be, to forget about this, to move on…I CAN'T and I don’t want to. Every fiber of my being is shouting for you. I can never deny that. You have actually given me the easy way out, but I don’t want the easy out, I want craziness with you, I want scary stuff with you, I want bad times with you, I want laughter and joy and so much love with you…That’s what I want….
i love him. i dont know anything else. there maybe a lot of confusion or a lot of i dont knows, i love him, thats the only thing i am sure and i know of. there are a lot of things happening, a lot of changes, a lot joys also, and pains but in each of those moments, he is with me, in every smile, in every hug that i give, in every laughter, in every tear, he is there…
written: April, 2009
when darkness falls...
When relationships end, we would always tell each other or convince ourselves that love was never the problem or never the issue…It was either time, or trust or insecurities, or disappointments or expectations not met. Most of the relationships I have been, ended due to either one of the above or to simply put it just didn’t work out.There are a lot of reasons I could think of why you stay in a relationship. Sometimes it's because of convenience, sometimes you are used to the person already, or you have been together for ages that it doesn’t make sense to let go of all those years…Finally deciding to take that step takes a lot, its not easy being alone, its not easy getting up knowing its not the same anymore, that the world you have gotten so used to and the person that you wake up for each day will not be there. Sometimes you just don’t want to go on anymore because the pain is unbearable.I remember that it helps to be able to talk about it, because definitely there would be a lot of questions that you can come up of a lot of answers as well, and the roller coaster emotions that you feel can be tiring. You will be angry, you will be bitter, you will hate yourself, you will blame the other person…and then suddenly you find yourself understanding everything…missing, loving again, wanting to get back…it’s a cycle…But like all other pains and heartaches, it dulls in time…though there's no guarantee when this will happen…you just have to take it one day at a time until its all gone, maybe not completely but you will one day feel hopeful again, willing to take a chance at love again…and finally say I have moved on…
L.A.H. Chapter II
Thus the journey of love begins...I remember perfectly that day..i was bored in the office with nothing much to do but be on facebook...i suddenly saw your name online and i said "hi" and you said "hello" and my God you had me with hello. Until now i was amazed on how fast things happened... It was a flurry of mails and once in a while phone calls...To be honest it started as something that was exciting for me...Knowing for a fact that we cant be together plus the geographical factor we both are in, i thought it wouldnt hurt to continue what we started. But boy was i so wrong...i suddenly found myself dangerously falling for you...looking forward to your mails in the morning..getting sad if its not the first thing that i see in my mailbox...the exchange of photographs just making each other laugh...how i hated it when you ask for pics of me...how you encourage me when i was preparing for a big pitch...how concerned you were when i got sick...how i would panic everytime the wifi in the house wouldnt work and its a weekend...how suddenly...i needed you so much...i never dared question myself then what i was doing...i never let myself think of the consequences that will follow...or how painful it would be....or how much i was loving you already...I guess both of us knew then that it will go nowhere thats why we were never scared to say what we feel...we were just scared to drive each other away if we would be really honest...i was so damned furious at you for being everything that you are because i know i cant have you...and more furious with my heart because for the first time it won...i didnt follow my mind...i didnt question what i was doing...i just followed my heart...and in doing so, i soon realized how steadfast my heart could be when it is set free...being loved by you is intoxicating...like a drug that i couldnt live without, but when the time came that you decided to let go because there was no other way..i found myself silently loving you and wishing you well and missing you and hoping that you'd come back...
written:September 20, 2009
written:September 20, 2009
L.A.H. Chapter I
I met you in my innocence if i may say. My young heart then knows nothing about love.
Our paths crossed when one of your good friends suddenly thought of courting me. Like what our culture dictates, friends usually goes along the "panliligaw"process for support. That's the time that we started to know each other. And each day that i would be with you then, my then young heart started to secretly wish for you. But that was inconceivable then because your heart belongs to somebody. So from a distance, i think my heart felt the first stirrings of love.
And then life moves on..you graduated high school and i have never heard or seen you since, but there's this one moment, when i was already in college, i knew that you were in the states then because a common friend told me, i suddenly saw you in town flanked by 2 other friends, i am not sure but i am so sure that my heart was so happy to see you. I remembered shouting your name because i was in the jeep. And that was it, you were out of my life again.
From then on, i don't know anything about you anymore. I went on with my life and so do you. Started to love and lost and love again until the day came that i got tired of loving, almost in the brink of giving up on the dream of true love and that one person to share it with.
And then i found you again...
I remembered being bored in the office and waiting for cuz and then i saw you online and my heart felt the same happiness again the last time it came in contact with you. Without hesitation i said "hello" and that started the most amazing journey of love with you...
written: September 9, 2009
THE CLIMB
there's always gonna be another mountain
im always gonna wanna make it move…
always gonna be a uphill battle
sometimes im gonna have to lose
aint about how fast I get there
aint about what's waiting on the other side
it’s the climb….
i have been trying to write for days now but I cant seem to collect my thoughts and everything that I am feeling for the past weeks. There's confusion, there's sadness, there's disappointments but at the same time there's joy, and laughter and excitement. I cant seem to grasp my sanity this days…There's seems to be a lot of things that are happening all at once and all at the same time, not just to me but to people around me, to my daba, to my family and friends and every now and then I feel like drowning. At times I just want to shut it all out but I can't do that. I guess I am just tired, tired of worrying, tired of pushing and being strong...
At times I feel so guilty that all my frustrations are coming out and directed to you, when all this time all you have been doing is being patient and understanding and just simply making me happy. I know that I am being unfair when I make things harder for you…am I wanting more when you have actually given so much…I know that you feel torn, sana hindi na lang…I think im fucking this up already…you just love me so much that's why you are still here…
I miss you…I miss how we were…I miss our Monday and Tuesday night dates…I guess im also just mourning those days…and no matter how I try to hold on to that I cant. I know there will be more changes…but I am also sure that ill weather it all for you…
I will never lose hope…I will never give up…I'll be steadfast in my promise to you...
written: October 16, 2009
in your eyes...
i have written this blog more than 3 years ago...and i still feel the same about my family...i don't think whatever trials can ever make me feel anything less...
While having a 2 hours long conversation with cuz the other day we were suddenly reminded of how we are as a family. We were talking about after all these years, and after all that we all have been through as a family we both realized that we are each others best friends. We all one way or another grew up together, my cousins were my playmates, even before i came to know of other friends, they were my first friends. I guess this is also due to the fact that the siblings of my mom basically live just near each other. Reunions is something that all of us look forward to, because my auntie nene and all my uncles would be giving all of us gifts. I remember lining up to be receiving all of these and of course the best gifts would usually come from Mama (Grandma) and Lolo.
Going back to my most cherished childhood memories of each family gathering that we would have, you would see all my uncles gathered around drinking, and all my aunties in the kitchen, cooking more food or gossiping or laughing out loud. I would also find myself in that same kitchen just listening to all their banter and laughter. And the rest of my cousins are everywhere just creating chaos.
When love eventually started to happen to all of us, we would be bringing boyfriends and girlfriends to the reunions and God how each one of them got grilled and teased. My uncles and guy cousins are merciless specially when it comes to us girls. They would often say that a guy should pass before them before they can get to us, but of course these are just words, because in the end they don't really meddle.
Now all of us are making something of ourselves, as individuals, most of us have their own families already, but we are still all the same to each other. My king's best friends are basically kj, jaja, and alwynn. Ate tin and i are more than cousins. My aunties are still the same, they still are makulit as ever. I still fear my uncles but i think now its more of respect on what they have contributed in me as a person.
We are each others defenders, best friends, secret keepers. We are proud of each other no matter what. Our family definitely is not perfect but what i am most proud of is that we have always been there for each other. In real good times and most of all the really bad times.
I have realized that a persons immense capacity to love is due to how one is loved by its family.
Everything that i know about love i have seen and experienced from my grandparents, my parents and my uncles and aunties.
I am a better friend because my cousins taught me how to not have conditions regarding friendship.
My family has always been my saving grace, the blanket that i wrap around me whenever i feel alone, or beaten by the world or simply scared. They are the ones who always pick me up and slowly urges me to go on. I have learned to be a survivor because we as family are survivors.
While having a 2 hours long conversation with cuz the other day we were suddenly reminded of how we are as a family. We were talking about after all these years, and after all that we all have been through as a family we both realized that we are each others best friends. We all one way or another grew up together, my cousins were my playmates, even before i came to know of other friends, they were my first friends. I guess this is also due to the fact that the siblings of my mom basically live just near each other. Reunions is something that all of us look forward to, because my auntie nene and all my uncles would be giving all of us gifts. I remember lining up to be receiving all of these and of course the best gifts would usually come from Mama (Grandma) and Lolo.
Going back to my most cherished childhood memories of each family gathering that we would have, you would see all my uncles gathered around drinking, and all my aunties in the kitchen, cooking more food or gossiping or laughing out loud. I would also find myself in that same kitchen just listening to all their banter and laughter. And the rest of my cousins are everywhere just creating chaos.
When love eventually started to happen to all of us, we would be bringing boyfriends and girlfriends to the reunions and God how each one of them got grilled and teased. My uncles and guy cousins are merciless specially when it comes to us girls. They would often say that a guy should pass before them before they can get to us, but of course these are just words, because in the end they don't really meddle.
Now all of us are making something of ourselves, as individuals, most of us have their own families already, but we are still all the same to each other. My king's best friends are basically kj, jaja, and alwynn. Ate tin and i are more than cousins. My aunties are still the same, they still are makulit as ever. I still fear my uncles but i think now its more of respect on what they have contributed in me as a person.
We are each others defenders, best friends, secret keepers. We are proud of each other no matter what. Our family definitely is not perfect but what i am most proud of is that we have always been there for each other. In real good times and most of all the really bad times.
I have realized that a persons immense capacity to love is due to how one is loved by its family.
Everything that i know about love i have seen and experienced from my grandparents, my parents and my uncles and aunties.
I am a better friend because my cousins taught me how to not have conditions regarding friendship.
My family has always been my saving grace, the blanket that i wrap around me whenever i feel alone, or beaten by the world or simply scared. They are the ones who always pick me up and slowly urges me to go on. I have learned to be a survivor because we as family are survivors.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
one night only
what's next? nothing...i have no inhibitions whatsoever about you and me...im praying though that its something that the two of us will forget and then pick up from where we left off as being friends though i have to admit it will take some time before i will be comfortable around you again...im also praying that whatever consequences that night brings to me per se that i would be able to handle it gracefully and with tact....haysss nenuca! LOL
fireworks
- i knew that it was new year and that there really were fireworks but when i touched your hand its like a hundred thousand more exploded..you are even making me write like a poet again... i like the fact that you are making me try again...thing is there is a BUT...the mere fact that you are taken puts me into a FULL STOP... i know i like you because i cant stop thinking of you..i even daydream about you which i haven't done for quite awhile...you make me smile just thinking about those few moments we are together, at the same time you make me wonder about you... i like that you love kids and that you are drawn to them..that you will not hesitate holding one and putting them to sleep... i like that you love dogs and that you talk to them like i talk to them... i like the way my hands just casually clasp yours... i like the way you suddenly make me shy when you are around...thing is i cant like you...not this much...i will control myself again but that means not seeing you or laughing with you which makes me sad, i know that id rather take the few moments left than to walk away from it again...
Posted on LiveJournal June 2, 2011
writers block
I haven't written for months, maybe i was having an episode that they call a writers block but funny thing is im not even a writer!
A lot has happened, career wise, im back to my first love which is advertising and then working with a young group wherein i am given the privilege to also be a mentor of sort ... my heart is quite okay...im out of the corporate circle so i am also not tied down to be proper anymore or so to speak! hahahahaha i can be crazy again!
love is many a splendored thing! im ready for it i guess! hahahaha i mean im in the mood to make landi again or put myself out there..enough of the pining and longing for someone that will never be mine and is not mine naman talaga from the start...although that came with a lot of help from men who changed my perspective and have shown me how to laugh again and be kilig!...its fun and i wonder why i waited this long to have my head banged!
i would also like to thank a real good friend espie who has shown me that its okay to be crazy...that even if you are crazy if people truly love you they wouldnt care that you are...they are just happy that you are happy and crazy! so i am being me again...the daden who takes responsibilities but not too seriously anymore...as i have read in a magazine life and living starts when you step out of your comfort zone...when you put yourself out of the box...that it is short so dont hesitate to live...
Posted on LiveJournal May 6, 2011
A lot has happened, career wise, im back to my first love which is advertising and then working with a young group wherein i am given the privilege to also be a mentor of sort ... my heart is quite okay...im out of the corporate circle so i am also not tied down to be proper anymore or so to speak! hahahahaha i can be crazy again!
love is many a splendored thing! im ready for it i guess! hahahaha i mean im in the mood to make landi again or put myself out there..enough of the pining and longing for someone that will never be mine and is not mine naman talaga from the start...although that came with a lot of help from men who changed my perspective and have shown me how to laugh again and be kilig!...its fun and i wonder why i waited this long to have my head banged!
i would also like to thank a real good friend espie who has shown me that its okay to be crazy...that even if you are crazy if people truly love you they wouldnt care that you are...they are just happy that you are happy and crazy! so i am being me again...the daden who takes responsibilities but not too seriously anymore...as i have read in a magazine life and living starts when you step out of your comfort zone...when you put yourself out of the box...that it is short so dont hesitate to live...
Posted on LiveJournal May 6, 2011
20 million diamonds...
one of my favorite post about you that i wrote September 02, 2009...so im just gonna give in to this nostlagic mode so that i can be over and done with this....
As a little girl i love looking at the stars, they are so magical for me, a world that i guess i can only imagine. Growing up i love learning about the constellations and stories behind them. I remember when i was in college whenever i get lonely, or i need to be alone with my thoughts or i just want to be sentimental ill go out to our "bubong", get a blanket and lay down watching 20 million diamonds. Whenever i write something then it always mention about stars or the title would be stars. Actually i have no idea why, why do i find such an inkling to them until last sunday...
Its hope...it signifies hope and dreams coming true for me...
While i was pondering on the events that happened in the last month between us, there were a lot of realizations and ahhhhh moments...I think I loved you too much that I exhausted you... I lost sight of my reality...I got so carried away with the fantasy I cannot tell what is real from what is not anymore...I made you my world that I know no other. All i did aside from working was waiting for you to get up, wait for your break, wait for your lunch break, wait at around 10 pm your time so that we can talk again...GOD! Even I would'nt be able to stand myself! hahahaha I have no other excuse, just only its because i love you so...but that's a lame excuse. I am again trying to know the woman i have become with you...
I now understand why you need a time out from me, aside from certain facts and issues that you need to settle, you needed to breathe...and thank you because by doing so I am also learning to breathe on my own again...
I am still yours, I am still here no matter what, I still love you so so much that I find myself talking to you in my head, in the bathroom, when i wake up, when i'm missing you i'll just suddenly blurt out your name, I dont know until when I will be like this (lokaloka hahahahaha) but one thing i am sure, I cannot go back to the way i was before, i can only move forward...And when that day comes, that one day that maybe you will come back you will find an updated version of me....
You are still my dream coming true...even if our ending in this lifetime is not according to fairy tales or magical dreams...
I wished...and so I hoped on a falling star...
As a little girl i love looking at the stars, they are so magical for me, a world that i guess i can only imagine. Growing up i love learning about the constellations and stories behind them. I remember when i was in college whenever i get lonely, or i need to be alone with my thoughts or i just want to be sentimental ill go out to our "bubong", get a blanket and lay down watching 20 million diamonds. Whenever i write something then it always mention about stars or the title would be stars. Actually i have no idea why, why do i find such an inkling to them until last sunday...
Its hope...it signifies hope and dreams coming true for me...
While i was pondering on the events that happened in the last month between us, there were a lot of realizations and ahhhhh moments...I think I loved you too much that I exhausted you... I lost sight of my reality...I got so carried away with the fantasy I cannot tell what is real from what is not anymore...I made you my world that I know no other. All i did aside from working was waiting for you to get up, wait for your break, wait for your lunch break, wait at around 10 pm your time so that we can talk again...GOD! Even I would'nt be able to stand myself! hahahaha I have no other excuse, just only its because i love you so...but that's a lame excuse. I am again trying to know the woman i have become with you...
I now understand why you need a time out from me, aside from certain facts and issues that you need to settle, you needed to breathe...and thank you because by doing so I am also learning to breathe on my own again...
I am still yours, I am still here no matter what, I still love you so so much that I find myself talking to you in my head, in the bathroom, when i wake up, when i'm missing you i'll just suddenly blurt out your name, I dont know until when I will be like this (lokaloka hahahahaha) but one thing i am sure, I cannot go back to the way i was before, i can only move forward...And when that day comes, that one day that maybe you will come back you will find an updated version of me....
You are still my dream coming true...even if our ending in this lifetime is not according to fairy tales or magical dreams...
I wished...and so I hoped on a falling star...
today..last year...
i found myself thinking of you more and more often these past few days...i dont know if its because Valentine's Day reminded me so much of how we spent V-Day last year "together apart" i even tried looking for pictures just to remind myself of how i was then...like having this today last year kinda thing... which didnt help me much it just made me miss you even more...and suddenly this morning i find myself reading our letters...crying...actually sobbing all over you again...is it also my hormones?!? God this is long overdue! Im trying to figure out why im being nostalgic or why you are coming into my mind after not being in it for sometime...or should i say at least not everyday! hahahaha is it because this time last year is when i felt you slipping away...and like all women i resorted to the usual to save a fucked up relationship!...sigh...i need to remind myself that it doesnt work....one should always bank on the love and what made us be together in the first place...
so i guess this is me saying i still love you...pining for you in some ways...i felt being punished not having your love anymore....i wonder when you will stop being in my heart...i wonder when will i stop loving you...
Posted on LiveJournal February 17, 2011
so i guess this is me saying i still love you...pining for you in some ways...i felt being punished not having your love anymore....i wonder when you will stop being in my heart...i wonder when will i stop loving you...
Posted on LiveJournal February 17, 2011
Full Circle
I felt that i came into full circle this year...i find myself out of job and out of dreams after soaring for quite a few years...its exhausting...that i just wanna stop and be carefree and not be worried about the everyday stresses and tresses and of the corporate world...of course i wouldn't deny the fact that at the back of my mind i know i need to have a plan b already gearing up and ready to launch again...2010 was such a painful year for me...all i can think of was crying all the time and being hurt or angry at myself...im always at crossroads that i got super tired to the point that i stopped fighting the tides as well...i just went with the flow as to not to think or feel or care...caring too much, thinking too much takes a lot from me...aside from the fact that i usually get disappointed in the end...though i know that its not supposed to be the case...i am still recovering from what happened to Star-Cell...as i have told dear friends and close colleagues that i am broken-hearted...thait t i felt like my family got broken and there was no way i or we can fix it...its losing losing the guy that you have been seeing for a long time and suddenly just like that you are not seeing each other anymore....i was asked wether i was sad...and i answered i have been sad for a long time...and that is the truth..i am...since the time that things turned downhill i feel it in my gut but just wouldnt acknowledge it...i mourned for the brand and the company the whole of december...i will forever miss everything about it though i am forever grateful for everything that it has brought me...i know i am made of tough stuff because i am from and learned if not the best but one of the best in their respective fields and i cant help but be overwhlemed and grateful for all of that...3 huge chapters of my history has come to an end in 2010...a love that could have last a lifetime....a friendship that could have transcend distance and a brand and company wherein i grew professionally....
So it is a full circle....time for me not to pick up the pieces but let it rest because thats how i should treat it and start anew...I am claiming 2011 as the year wherein what is for me by God's grace will be given...
Posted on LiveJournal January 17, 2011
So it is a full circle....time for me not to pick up the pieces but let it rest because thats how i should treat it and start anew...I am claiming 2011 as the year wherein what is for me by God's grace will be given...
Posted on LiveJournal January 17, 2011
Christmas and Year-Ender thoughts...
work turned into a down-hill as well...not because it was my doing or my fault but because of matters that are out of my hand...i still love what i do but given the circumstances the company is into i cant do anything but make do with what is given... as much as it depresses me it also makes me hopeful that things can be better one day not just for me but for all of my colleagues...a merger with another telco boosts us up into the 3rd largest telco here in cambodia, but that merger also means jobs that we all may not have at the end of the day...but as what i keep on uttering since yesterday that "His will be done and i trust in his ways for me"
Posted on LiveJournal December 23, 2010
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