In loving you I was able to write freely about love…I have never been more honest about how I feel or what I am feeling…When you decided to let go…this were my words..
i woke up this morning with a start…wondering why i feel so weird and then it hit me, the conversations of last night flooded back and all i want to do is curl up again…hide under the sheets…block out the morning…block out the pain…i stood up fighting the numbness…urging myself to go on, i cant, i went back to bed again and just lay there staring at the ceiling, until i heard noises outside…stood up again and went out of the room…i tried to make idle talk but i cant make any sense in the conversation, eating was such a chore..i cant even take pleasure in my coffee…i was moving in auto pilot…going through routine but not feeling anything…i see no beauty this morning…everything is so dark…im trying to be brave..to be okay when actually all i want to do is to tell you not to go…that i dont know how to do things without you…i didnt stop you then because i understand and i agree, i dont want to cause much confusion anymore, it pains me that you are having a hard time…im still trying to understand and put some sense in all of this but one thing i know and i am certain this not gonna stop me from continuing to love you…And then I found myself not wanting to let you go… No matter how much I want to do what is right, what I fekt with you and what I had and I thought I could have is worth all the damnation ill be facing…I was listening to this song over and over again that even when it's not playing its still in my head. I love this group ever since and I usually agree or never question their songs, I would just enjoy it or feel it. But I can't take this song sitting down. I have been thinking how sad it is that we let people go out of our lives so easily thinking that maybe it would be less difficult or less hurtful, but no matter, if that person is important and has made an impact in your life they will stay no matter what. We can only fool ourselves for sometime but it's hard keeping up with a lie. I can always pretend and show how okay I am to everyone everyday, say the right words, look perfectly fine, even laugh to my hearts content…but my God deep down I'm dying…dying without you. I thought and I have decided that I will keep silent, that I will let you be, to forget about this, to move on…I CAN'T and I don’t want to. Every fiber of my being is shouting for you. I can never deny that. You have actually given me the easy way out, but I don’t want the easy out, I want craziness with you, I want scary stuff with you, I want bad times with you, I want laughter and joy and so much love with you…That’s what I want….
i love him. i dont know anything else. there maybe a lot of confusion or a lot of i dont knows, i love him, thats the only thing i am sure and i know of. there are a lot of things happening, a lot of changes, a lot joys also, and pains but in each of those moments, he is with me, in every smile, in every hug that i give, in every laughter, in every tear, he is there…
written: April, 2009
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